Liz, Sarah and I at the Arc de Triomphe. Pretty sure Liz didn't know what was going on.
I went to church yesterday for the first time in three weeks. It'd been too long. Weekend traveling kind of compromises my church attendance and thus a large part of my social life. Unfortunately about half way through I developed a splitting headache. I went to late lunch with a few friends anyway and made it home and straight into bed.
Yesterday was somewhat of an emotional roller coaster. Before leaving for church I witnessed a complete breakdown that made me feel helpless and insufficiently sympathetic. I've seen enough family dramas from afar but I've never been close enough to understand whats going on and why it is. I don't know if you can be close enough to see those things but I know that being in the middle of it is heartbreaking and confusing.
One of the most difficult things is that for the msot part, outside of practicalities, whats going on in the marraige is not talked about and I haven't been given details or reasons or even seen any of the conflicts. But the control with which the situation was presented to me, the control I thought would probably last because I couldn't see them letting their personal issues interfere with the kids or with my job, is now starting to fall apart. It's alarming and difficult.
If you're wondering, I don't have any opinions about who's in the wrong or how it's being dealt with or any of that. I just want everyone to be happy and I hope that means everyone being together but I'm not sure if it does. And I find myself questioning what my role is here. I know I'm more than just someone who works here but in the end that is what I am, as I will be passing through and I'm paid for my time. But this is my family also, I live with them, I'm as much a part of their lives as they are of mine. This widening chasm in the family effects me largely even if it doesn't drastically effect my job and my duties. It also makes me wonder on a more cosmic level what my purpose is here. I've wondered this before; or more like I haven't stopped wondering that since the moment I got here. If my purpose has something to do with this circumstance I feel gravely inadequate for it.
But to move on to other things; I mentioned my skiing trip in my last(too long ago) post. At the time I wasn't really considering skiing again anytime in the foreseeable future but recent events have landed me in the family ski trip that lasts---a whole week. I have feelings of ambivalence about this. I'm relieved to know that my lessons(daily) will now be in English. I guess the reasoning behind that was if I wanted to spend time with other skiiers they would also speak English. But then there's just the whole skiing thing which in and of itself is hard for me to have a defined opinion of. I'd like to like it and I'm not sure that I don't but I'm pretty sure I'd like it more if I were good at it. Then there's the possibility that I won't own my life at all while I'm on vacation with the family for a whole week. To be fair I've always been given a choice of what to do and as much space as possible but a whole week is a long time for a chronic hermit such as myself. Not only that but there is also the fact that another family will be with us. They have four children(in the same chalet) and only speak french. So what I mean to say is that it will be awesome and I'm going to grow a lot as a person. This is a hard thing and I'm going to do it. I like to challenge myself. I know...my life is so cushy.
In other traveling news I'm going to Strasbourg next weekend. Strasbourg is near the German border and we'll be taking the train. I love the train.